Love and Loss: Stories of Belonging in Real Life Families
Key Takeaways
Family belonging is a feature of spending time together. Whether it’s during important milestones or quiet moments, spending meaningful time together was the most prominent feature of family belonging.
Family helps each other. Whether it’s when people are feeling overwhelmed, or during a major hardship, when family shows up for each other, we experience belonging.
The lack of family belonging is a feature of being intentionally or unintentionally left out, and/or treated differently due to one's demographic characteristics.
Experiencing exclusion and a lack of family belonging stays with us. The times when we’ve felt like an outsider within our families can deeply affect us. But, family is not static, just as our families may contract, they can also expand through marriage and other forms of chosen family.
All in the Family:
Family Belonging is Experienced as Love and Support
A majority of Americans reported experiencing belonging with their families. When they were asked to reflect on and describe situations in which they had experienced family belonging, and what it felt like, nearly half of the situations included times when they were able to spend quality time together with their families. Events like graduations, weddings, and holiday celebrations were among the most commonly described as being spaces of family belonging. Times when family members have banded together to help one another, whether it be during times of illness, moving, or other hardships were also cited. Deaths and funerals were also mentioned as family members gathered to grieve, to celebrate the lives of the deceased, and to support each other.
Family belonging was most frequently associated with feeling loved, wanted, cared for, and valued, often from birth. As one respondent shared, “From the moment of my birth I’ve had a large loving family who were there for the good and the bad. Holding loved ones as they passed and comforting the surviving ones, I have always felt I belonged. I feel safe, loved, and secure” (Woman, 65).
Feeling like your family members were supportive during important milestones was a consistent theme across responses. For example, one respondent shared, “When I was thirteen, my aunt flew from the UK to make sure to attend my Bat Mitzvah. She had promised me she would before she moved away two years ago, and then she did. I felt supported, loved, and safe. Someone made a promise to me and then kept it, and never once did I doubt that she would” (Woman, 26).
Weddings, a time when families both gather and expand to include new members, were also a time of belonging. One respondent shared the story of her granddaughter’s wedding, “The wedding made me feel connected and closer to my family than I had in a long while. The pandemic kept us separated for too long and this was just what the doctor ordered” (Woman, 73).
Funerals, like weddings, often bring family members together who haven’t seen each other in a sometime, which also invites belonging. One respondent shared, “My brother-in-law passed away in another town and it brought all of my extended family members together to grieve and help with the event. It made me realize that we were all a part of a family and we have been much closer since” (Man, 80).
Holidays and trips also featured prominently in the times when respondents felt belonging. One respondent shared a story of a family trip, “My family and I were at the lake together. We were just sitting around the campfire telling jokes and stories. I felt warm and loved. I realized that although we have our differences and fight, we’re still a family” (Woman, 32).
Another respondent spoke of how meaningful it was to have contact without a sense of duty:
“My father ran a game of Dungeons and Dragons for my mother, my brother, and me. We gathered around the kitchen table and had fun assuming characters of varied personalities. I felt more personally connected. Other things like helping or discussing matters can feel more like an obligation, but this felt more like wanting to spend time as a family than a necessity. It mattered because it was about who we were, not what we brought to the table” (Man, 24).
For some respondents, family belonging was not something they were born into, but something they found through relationships later in life. For example, this respondent shared, “I really only feel like I ‘belong’ with my husband. The people I share genes with have never made me feel ‘a part of.’ [With him] I felt seen. Powerful. Validated. Those I share genes with have always made me feel like an outsider, so when he makes me feel seen, it is masterfully powerful“ (Woman, 61).
Respondents also shared bittersweet times in which they experienced both family belonging, and its lack, such as this respondent’s story:
When my Mom died in 2016, the family came together, much like the country did after 9/11. I felt glad that we were able to overcome our differences and unite. However, it was less than a month later, that one of my sisters posted inflammatory remarks on Facebook. I asked for an apology, got none, and we haven't spoken in (now) five years. (Man, 70)
This quote reflects that, though belonging in our families can be found, it can also be lost.
Odd One Out:
Lacking Family Belonging is Experienced as Exclusion and Hurt
For those respondents who had experienced a lack of belonging in their families, they most frequently described times that they had been excluded, either intentionally or unintentionally, or when they had been treated differently or poorly due to their demographic characteristics, such as their race, religion, sexual orientation, disability or socioeconomic status.
A lack of family belonging was most frequently associated with feelings of sadness and hurt that persisted long after the incident. Many of the respondents who had experienced a lack of family belonging described situations that had happened in childhood. These experiences of not belonging in their families during their formative years stayed with them. One respondent shared, “Growing up my mom gave more attention to my little brother because he was sad about the divorce and she kinda put me to the side to make sure he was okay and happy. I was just sad and lonely because I felt like I wasn't as important” (Man, 20).
Experiencing a lack of family belonging in adulthood was also described as very hurtful. One respondent described the challenges of being the first person to have an experience in their family, “When I got divorced, no one in my family had been divorced before me. It's hard for people to understand, it made me feel very alone” (Woman, 59).
A lack of family belonging was also experienced when instead of challenging times bringing families together, it led to their fracture. For example, one respondent shared, “When my sister died this past April, her children and husband ended all communication with us. I felt lost, angry, and hurt. We should have come together and be there for one another. Instead, we have been shattered as a family” (Woman, 61). This feeling of loss is not only due to not wanting to be left out, but also due to feeling like they had been denied the opportunity to support their family during crises. For example, “There was a family member with an illness, the news wasn’t shared with me for a period of time. I felt upset...I wanted to know ASAP to help care for them and give support” (Man, 30).
Having different demographic characteristics than one’s family members was also associated with feeling a lack of belonging. For one example, a respondent explained, “Everyone else meets up at least once a year and I never get to go because I'm poor. They should meet somewhere I can be included” (Man, 53). When children share different cultural experiences than their family members, it can also lead to an experience of not belonging, such as for this respondent who shared:
My dad’s side of the family is Latino, but we weren’t raised by him or any of his family members. Because of that, we can’t really speak the language, and we naturally have lighter skin whereas many of my half siblings do not. When I finally met my half-sister and we discussed how we were raised, it made me feel disconnected to my culture because I didn’t grow up knowing or understanding it. (Woman, 22).
Further, when accommodations are not made, individuals can experience not belonging in their families, such as this respondent who shared, “At a family gathering I was excluded from the discussions going on. I am hearing impaired and lip read. When multiple people are talking, and none are looking at me, I am excluded. I felt left out” (Man, 91).
Elections, and having political views that diverge from family members also contributed to a lack of belonging on both sides of the political spectrum. One respondent, who identifies as a Republican shared,
Last election. I felt that because I was voting for a different candidate than my immediate family members I no longer belonged. We couldn't even discuss our differences of opinions. I felt rejected, judged and like I was on the outside looking in. In the past we have always been able to discuss differences with respect. This time I was immediately shut down and shut out. (Woman, 53)
Another respondent, who identifies as a Democrat had a similar experience, “I have had very close family members snap at me when they found out I did not support Trump. These are two of my closest relatives, with whom I have always been able to discuss anything, including politics. I immediately felt isolated, scolded, and rejected by two of the people in this world to whom I used to feel closest” (Woman, 24).
Regardless of our identities, beliefs, or our choices, our experiences with our family and feeling like we belong, or don’t, has lasting effects. We invite you to reflect on what belonging in your family looks like. We recognize that many of us do not, or cannot have relationships with our families of origin, and we cherish our chosen families too.
